'From the Darkness To the Light'

International Grief Council plans
program at Villa Walsh

MORRISTOWN  From darkness to light best describes the journey of three women from three different parts of the globe. LoAnne Mayer, a Catholic from the United States, Uma Girish, a Hindu from India and Daniela Norris, a Jewish woman from Israel have never met until one common experience brought them together.

“The three of us have had the mutual life experience of losing loved ones. The three of us have experienced the other side of the darkness and somehow we have gotten out of it and into the light,” said Mayer, who has longtime ties to the Paterson Diocese previously living in Morris County for 40 years.

Because of this mutual experience, which has turned into mutual growing, the three women, who are mothers, daughters and authors, are coming together as a panel to share their individual journeys and how they use the gifts of grief to serve the world today.

Calling themselves the International Grief Council, the women will be hosting three events open to the public — at Georgian Court University in Lakewood on Sept. 28, from 1 to 3 p.m.; at Villa Walsh Academy in Morristown on Sept. 30 from 1 to 3 p.m.; and at the Namaste Bookshop in New York City on Oct. 1 from 7 to 9 p.m.

Mayer’s journey of grief began 11 years ago following the death of her mother. Then about a year later, her daughter, Cindy, suddenly passed away at 40.

“My mother’s passing was difficult because I never had that intimate relationship with her since she was very private and kept to herself. I never was able to reach her and that affected me after her death. When my daughter passed away, we were devastated. She left two wonderful boys and none of us were prepared for what was to come after,” said Mayer.

Overcome with grief, Mayer went on a pilgrimage to Israel visiting the holy sights. She thought about the Blessed Mother and the grief she faced following the loss of her Son, Jesus. “I remember asking Mary, ‘How did you do this?’ During my time of grief, I began to really think about the love of God, something I never really did before even though I am an active Catholic. I never thought about what happens beyond, what happens when people die. I thought about my daughter and wondered, ‘Is she OK?’ I felt a peace when I thought about God’s whole extraordinary love.”

When she returned, from the pilgrimage, she attended church, grief counseling and did a lot of journaling. In 2012, she published “Celestial Conversations.”

“Writing about it was really helpful,” she said. “I remember thinking at first, ‘If I survive this experience, there is no way I’m writing about this.’ But then someone said to me, ‘If you write about this, it will help heal you.’”

Through writing her book, Mayer met Girish, who also wrote about her grief following the death of her parents. Girish, who lives in Chicago, said, “My mother’s passing triggered my transformational journey and my father’s death reinforced in me the desire to live purposefully. To me, loss is a sacred doorway. When we face the pain and summon the courage to step through that door, we are changed forever. There are gifts of purpose and meaning waiting on the other side. But each of us get to choose: ‘Do I open and become more present to the pain or shut down in fear and stay trapped in my grief?’”

After Mayer and Girish met, they came in contact with Norris, who lost her younger brother suddenly while he was on vacation. Norris, who lives in Geneva, Switzerland, said, “It is only when we realize that death is not the end, do we begin to look at death, grief — and life — in a different way. Each one of us had lost, or will lose, someone close to them in their lifetime. This is a certainly. If we learn how to deal with death and loss, and to continue the love, friendship and appreciation between us and those we care about who moved on, then grief can help us turn a difficult and painful situation into an opportunity for learning and progress.”

With the three women coming from different backgrounds, they’ve learned a lot about how people grieve differently in different parts of the world. Mayer said, “In Europe, people talk about grief all the time. Americans tend not to talk about grief. It appears we are just not trained and very often, you would hear people say, ‘Get over it.’ It seems crazy to think, but this happens all the time.”

Mayer added, “Men experience grief in different ways and they are just as active. I remember when I was part of Compassionate Friends (a self-help group for bereaved parents at St. Christopher Parish in Parsippany), the men would mostly listen, but they were also looking for ways to move forward.”

The council recommends anyone who works in bereaved ministries at churches and hospices or is experiencing grief or loneliness should come to the September events.

“If you are feeling stuck and alone,” Mayer said, “there is no need to be. Grief is not just one thing, it is many layers. We hope this council is the beginning of a conversation that needs to be started in many communities. People need to know there is hope. People have survived and grown.”