Keeping her memory alive

KINNELON  It could be a photo or a precious memory. There are a few things that can still bring Mary Ramsden to tears, as she grieves — and will continue to grieve — for her late daughter Nicole, remembering the girl’s sweet laugh, bright smile, blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. It has been almost 10 years since Nicole died of complications from acute myeloid leukemia at 12 years old — an eternity for Ramsden, director of religious education at Our Lady of the Magnificat (OLM) Parish here, and her husband, John, whose unimaginable pain has tested the limits of their family and their faith in God.

Yet ultimately, the grace of God guided the couple, residents of Kinnelon, through their darkest hours of grief, along with help from their memories of Nicole, who died on Feb. 22, 2010, and her beautiful spirit. Her unshakable faith in Christ and compassion for others — even in the midst of her own health battles — inspired many people to a greater sense of faith, prayer and service. In that spirit, the Ramsdens, along with their 18-year-old daughter Samantha, have partnered with the St. Joseph’s Health Foundation in Nicole’s memory to raise $50,000 for the Pediatric Hematology and Oncology Clinic and Inpatient Pediatric units of St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital in Paterson. The funds will provide “extras” — games, toys, movies and crafts, along with furniture — to help make the stay of these young patients and their families as pleasurable as possible under the dire circumstances, John Ramsden said.

“We didn’t want people to forget Nicole, so we started the campaign to keep her memory alive. We also appreciate the great medical care — and love — that she received, when she was a patient at St. Joseph’s. We received so much generosity from people [during Nicole’s illness and after her death] that we wanted to give back to the next generation of kids at St. Joseph’s,” said Mary Ramsden. “A lot of the times, patients are uncomfortable or in pain at the hospital, but almost as bad is the boredom as they wait for a treatment, a test or test results. We wanted to make sure that these kids have things to engage and entertain them,” she said.

The St. Joseph’s Health Foundation published a “wish list” of items on a page of its website at https://support.stjosephshealth.org/nicole-ramsden-memorial. The campaign launched on Feb. 22 of this year — the ninth anniversary of Nicole’s passing — and will end on Feb. 22 of next year — the 10th anniversary of her death. So far, the page has raised more than $7,000 — some of which already paid for requested items. They include a medical play doll, two Netflix accounts, 20 miscellaneous DVDs, two portable DVD players, a color photo printer, 25 poster frames, 25 slime supply kits, 25 poster craft design kits and three chairs and two couches.

“The fundraiser is going well. It’s exciting that the donors can see where their money is going,” said John Ramsden, a project manager of a packing company. He then listed the remaining items on the “wish list”: parking passes for the hospital lot, gift cards for its café, the relocation and upgrading of the fish tank, three Starlight Fun Centers, five Apple Pro 5-inch silver iPads, five iPad cases, 10 portable DVD players, a Nintendo video-game console, a gift card to GameStop, 50 infant mobiles and three doodle pen sets.

The “wish list” campaign marks the latest in the Ramsdens’ continuing efforts to support St. Joseph’s. Mary Ramsden has spoken at fund-raising events and recently, the couple visited pediatric cancer patients there in January and sponsored a day of fun — pizza, cupcakes and face painting. Mary Ramsden’s family has contributed to the building of a serenity garden — for all patients and families on the grounds of the hospital. The garden, which will include benches, a waterfall and ceramic animals, will be dedicated at 5:30 p.m. on Wednesday, June 10, which would have been Nicole’s 22nd birthday, John Ramsden said.

“The garden will be a peaceful place, where people can go and relax to take a break from the hospital environment with all of its stress, illness — and clicking and beeping sounds,” Mary Ramsden said.

That hospital environment became familiar to Nicole, who was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia at 10 years old in 2007 after symptoms of her fingernails and lips turning blue in the heat of that summer. She endured several rounds of chemotherapy at St. Joseph’s, suffering headaches and vomiting and losing her hair. She had relapsed twice and had received a stem-cell transplant. At that time, news for the family got even worse — John was diagnosed with a re-occurrence of throat cancer, which has been in remission for the past 10 years, he reported to The Beacon.

“When Nicole was diagnosed, I had a problem with God. I was thinking, ‘I’m taking care of his flock [serving at time as co-director of religious education for children’s faith formation at Our Lady of the Valley (OLV) Parish in Wayne] and he couldn’t take care of my child?’ ” said Mary Ramsden, who noted that her sister helped her realize that suffering is visited upon all people, whether they have faith or not. She also called on the power of prayer and her religious formation at the former Holy Cross School, also in Wayne. “I know that God will always take care of me and give me what I need — time and time again,” she said.

In the Ramsdens’ time of need, the OLV and Wayne and Kinnelon communities helped the family, organizing blood-platelet drives, fundraisers, meals and Christmas shopping for the family as well as offering their prayers. In addition, Nicole’s illness also brought out in her a more deep compassion for others. While visiting her at St. Joseph’s, Father Daniel Murphy, OLV pastor at the time and now a retired diocesan priest, noted, “Nicole spoke up and said how sorry she felt for those poor kids [being treated for cancer in the hospital] in all they have been through.”

“Here in the midst of her own physical pain, Nicole expressed her deep concern for other children,” Father Murphy wrote in OLV’s bulletin.

On Feb. 22, 2010, Nicole’s grueling battle against leukemia ended, when she died of a heart failure caused by a fungus — apparently a complication of her serious illness — in New York Presbyterian/Columbia University Medical Center in New York City, Mary Ramsden said.

“In my grief, when Nicole was dying, I gave my daughter to the Blessed Mother. I told Nicole, ‘If she looks the way we picture her, go to her. She will wrap you in her arms and bring you to where you need to be.’ Nicole wasn’t afraid of dying. She was worried about me, John and Samantha. She said, ‘I’m going to an incredible place.’ If I instilled that faith in her, then I did my job. I know that I will see her again,” Mary Ramsden told The Beacon, as she cried.

Over the past nine years, the unimaginable grief has shaken the Ramsden’s family life, said John Ramsden, who said, “Faith has kept our heads above water, getting us through this extremely challenging time.”

“The Ramsdens have been very dedicated to St. Joseph’s,” said Mark Cantine, major gift officer of St. Joseph’s Health Foundation, which worked with the family and hospital clinicians to develop the “wish list.” “Their grieving inspires them to give back to St. Joseph’s in appreciation of the care that Nicole received and that patients receive day in and day out. They want to help make the patients’ experience better,” he said.