‘Marital Love: The Need for Dialogue and Forgiveness’ retreat inspires couples

PARSIPPANY  On one recent day, Ivan Torres wanted another hug after he already had received one from his wife of almost 38 years, Diana Sanchez. So he asked her. Diana replied, “I already gave you one.”

“I guess we need another retreat,” Ivan told Diana in response. Both natives of Puerto Rico, they belong to St. Peter the Apostle Parish here and have two grown children, a grandchild, and another grandchild on the way. “After that, Diana lovingly gave me a hug,” Ivan said with a laugh.

At that moment, Ivan Torres reminded his wife about the married couples retreat in Spanish that they attended with 10 other Hispanic couples on Aug. 8 at St. Peter’s to celebrate the Year of Amoris Laetitia Family, which Pope Francis instituted for 2021–2022. Under the title, “Marital Love: The Need for Dialogue and Forgiveness,” the retreat helped couples explore the theological meaning of marriage as a Sacrament, the need to forgive each other, and ways to communicate more effectively, including asking for things they want, like a hug.

From 2 to 7 p.m. that sunny Sunday, couples sat outside in front of the stone grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes to the side of St. Peter Church for three retreat talks on the theology of marriage, communication, and forgiveness. Then, couples asked several questions of each other to help them improve their communication. The retreat concluded with everyone gathering for a Holy Hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament in the church.

“My wife and I loved it. It was refreshing to hear again about topics that we heard in other places but put them in the back of our minds,” Ivan Torres said of the retreat, organized by Father Cesar Jaramillo, and Armando and Raquel Arriaga, who run the parish’s Marriage Ministry. “It also was great to listen to other couples [during a time of sharing] and pick up positive ideas from them,” he said.

Meanwhile, his wife, Diana Sanchez, told The Beacon that, during the retreat, she and Ivan also “were reminded that we are not a couple without God, who has to be at the center of our marriage.”

For the first talk, Father Jaramillo, parochial vicar at the parish, who came up with the idea for the retreat, explored “Amoris Laetitia,” or “The Joy of Love,” a post-synodal apostolic exhortation on love in families, issued last year. With it, Pope Francis’ Year launched the Year of Amoris Laetitia Family. In his presentation, Father Jaramillo wove together Scripture and the Pope’s insights to “underscore the beauty of marriage” — “a sacrament of love that refers back to the cross,” the priest said.

“The Sacrament of marriage is not a social convention, an empty rite, or the mere external sign of commitment ... Marriage is a vocation, as it is a response to the specific call to live conjugal love as an imperfect sign of love between Christ and the Church. Therefore, the decision to marry and to create a family must be the result of vocational discernment,” Father Jaramillo said, quoting from “Amoris Laetitia” (n. 72).

Most of the retreat’s participating couples already serve the Hispanic community at St. Peter’s in a variety of roles. But a few came from other parishes, such as the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist in Paterson, and Notre Dame of Mount Carmel in Cedar Knolls. Couples also came from various stages of life — from parents of a newborn to parents with children in college, Father Jaramillo said.

“The retreat was a success. Marriage has lots of ‘ups’ and ‘downs.’ I wanted couples to feel encouraged — that it’s worth it,” said Father Jaramillo, who on Sept. 1 will leave St. Peter’s to start his new assignment as parochial vicar of St. John’s Cathedral. “With the Year of Amoris Laetitia Family and the Year of St. Joseph [which also is taking place this year], the Church is reaffirming its belief that family is the Domestic Church,” he said.

In the second talk, Armando and Raquel Arriaga, married for 25 years with two school-age children, spoke about the best “timing” of communication. Those include “when the television is off and the couple is looking into each other’s eyes,” she said.

“Don’t assume what your spouse is thinking or is about to say. Instead, let the person express himself or herself. It might be a surprise, when a new part of that person comes out that you never saw before,” said Raquel Arriaga, who with Armando runs St. Peter’s Marriage Ministry, which offers help to couples in need of improving their marriages.

Then, the Arriagas, natives of Mexico City, led couples through questions that they asked each other. They included, “What is one thing you would like me to do when I communicate with you?” One spouse answered, “Do it with love.” The Arriagas gave personal examples from their own lives to encourage couples to share their experiences.

In the second talk, the Arriagas spoke about the need for the couples to forgive each other “70 times 7” — infinitely, as Jesus commands.

“It will relieve the burden. Jesus died on the cross for us without blame. Who are we not to forgive?” Raquel Arriaga said. Then, in another exercise, couples faced each other, looked into each other’s eyes, and asked for — and granted — forgiveness. “It was powerful. Some couples cried. In marriage, there are plenty of opportunities to ask for forgiveness, to forgive, and to be forgiven, as we’re not perfect. So the Holy Spirit is the one that gives us that strength, not only to realize we did something wrong as I believe each of us know, but also to want to repair that damage, learn from it, and start anew,” she said.

At the end of the retreat, couples left the grotto and went into St. Peter Church to gather for a Holy Hour.

“We were all talking to God for help in our marriage and family life,” Raquel Arriaga said.

For Armando Arriaga, the retreat underscored the “importance of marriage.

“It helped motivate couples to continue in their marriages and continue to do what is right,” Armando Arriaga said. “Father Cesar helped us understand what the Church says about marriage. We need help from God to be a good spouse and good parent,” he said.